Life

Have you ever had a problem that keeps coming back to your life? I think we all have. At the beginning, I did not know why a problem should happen over and over again in someone’s life, but now I start to understand.

Whenever we are unable to solve a problem that comes in our lives and take the lessons we should learn out of it, the problem will keep coming back. Not to mention, when it comes back, the “size” would be much bigger than before. The problem will keep coming back because it forces us to learn the lessons it brings. For example, if we fail a course and did not learn the lesson on why we failed the course in school, someday we might fail on another course, big time.

Sometimes some of us decide to run from a problem, instead of solving it. But, would not it make things even worse? I can not imagine having the same problem coming into my life twice, let alone a bigger one. Most of the time, we can run but we cannot hide, because problems come to our lives to be solved. Problems come to our lives to teach us a lesson. They might be our “teachers”. Yet, what’s the point of attending a course if we do not learn from it? The difference it, this “course” comes in our lives voluntarily yet it must be attended and completed well, unless we would like to retake the course over and over again in the future (which would not be pretty, really). 

I have problems in my life. I am sure most of you too. The question is: are we ready to learn the lessons? Even better off, are we ready to share the lessons learned?

A lot of things happened, and all of them left a great impact in my life. I turned 22, I used to think that being a grown up is sad. I am a person who believes that being a child is somehow magical, and childhood is the best stage in our lives. Last year, I experienced some things that anyone would never experience. The good and the bad ones. I have learned a lot more about life now, about love, about relationship with others, about friendship, about relationship to myself, and even about relationship to God.

I learned so much. But sometimes, when it’s too much, you can’t handle it, because the cup is full and it can’t contain. Yet, I have always needed someone who could contain me. Ever since “that day”, I have changed, into something I don’t know yet exactly. And I am not really happy about that.

I now rarely use my feelings. Using my brain and mind would be enough, using my logical intelligence would be enough, using the rules would be enough. I keep my feelings somewhere else, for it to be safe, for it to be untouchable. I don’t know when I would want to open the treasure chest again. Because something in it is broken, and I desperately need a glue, or an ICU to make it fixed, to make it healed.

People acts as if they understand me, but they just don’t. Because things like these don’t happen in everyone's life. To be honest, I feel lonely. Really. I befriends with the musics and movies, blog and books, I don’t interact with human beings well. I do interact with them, but sometimes, my smiles are fake, my laughs are weird. I was never really, “happy”. 

I am trying to steal my old-self back, from something I don’t really know what. Well, we all have to admit that change is the only constant thing in this world. People told me that “change is good”, I don’t feel the same.

Lucky me that God is testing my strength, and I hope that what He does will make me strong gradually. Now you know my life is not perfect. I am just a human, like you. I am trying to make a difference, I am trying to make a betterment, in myself, in my surroundings, in my world. I want to be inspired, and I want to inspire others. I want to be seen as a strong, wonder girl. I want to have an impact in the society, no matter how small it is.

I magically believe that God has a great reason of why this is happening, and God has a cool plan for me. Let God writes the story, I think God is much better in us in terms of everything, including writing. And God writes real things, and I have to adapt with that.

Now I am trying to change, to become a better person, to be happier.. I now want to give and do things instead of wanting things. These are my dreams, for my 22.

-A